Dianna's Blog

Anonymous: I'm happy for you that you're becoming happier. But I have a close friend that has an eating disorder. She goes to therapy 6 days a week and doesn't go to school so I don't see her as often as I would like. I went with her to therapy once, and I know it meant a lot to her. But she was at my house and had hoarded her lunch and wanted to throw it away at my house and I said no because I want her to get better obviously. Did I do the right thing? How can I be as supportive of a friend as possible?

Dear Anonymous,

I believe you did the right thing. Interacting with someone who has an eating disorder can feel kind of like walking on a tightrope, because no matter what you say it feels like you will either be offensive or encouraging of their behaviors. But something like telling your friend she can’t act on her disorder in your house, and, subsequently, around you, plants the idea in her head that her disorder can’t work with everything. Back when I dated Erik, if he saw me throwing away something, or heading to the bathroom after lunch, he would make me feel very guilty with his worry. Not to make me actually feel bad, but to show that my disordered eating was not a part of me that got along with him. It wasn’t something he wanted leeching on me. And, - I know, this is going to sound creepy and conceited - sometimes it would make me feel like “Well, this is my special trait, and I’m getting attention and concern from him for it.” (I know, it’s really messed up). But the guilt and embarrassment I felt from him catching me on the way to the bathroom convinced me to stop sometimes. I started to feel like his happiness from seeing me eat felt good too.

The only person who can truly get rid of the eating disorder is the person who has it. And I think it’s a very, very, very internal battle, which is why eating disorders are so hard to treat. The only person who ever knew I had this kind of problem was Erik, and although I never got back to normal eating during our relationship, he focused on all of the good parts about me and made it clear that the way I was eating was damaging, not only to me but to our relationship. My freshman year of highschool, he explained to me how awkward it was when he went shopping with his mom to buy my secret Santa presents (he coincidentally drew my name) because his mom kept suggesting candy and food and Erik said he couldn’t buy any of it, and couldn’t explain to her why. It made me feel strangely good that my disorder had an effect on something, but made me feel horrible that he couldn’t get me the things he and his mom wanted to because I had this weird problem. I know it’s little, but things like that started to make me change the way I was thinking, a little bit. Food got in the way of my relationship with Erik a lot.

One thing that really, really hit home with me was realizing that people really, truly don’t care that much about what your body looks like. Especially when I went to college, and saw all different types of people with all different faces and fashions and hairdos and bodies, and how some people just glowed, no matter what they looked like, really struck me. It made me want to be like that, and it’s very hard to glow when you’re constantly thinking about what you look like and what you can’t eat and how hungry you are. To support your friend, keep doing exactly what you’re doing - let her know her eating disorder is getting in the way of your time together and her personality. Let her know that she doesn’t have to be skinny to be a good friend or a good person, but she does have to take care of herself  and enjoy everything she can and everyone she can - and it’s really, really hard to do that with an eating disorder. Remind her of all the good in her personality! Erik made me feel beautiful in a way that had nothing to do with my body, and I think that’s a HUGE part of getting rid of an eating disorder. Try and do stuff together that reminds her of all the fun that can be had from just being yourself! Some of the best times I ever had were going with my best friend to get ice cream shakes or eating snacks on my floor while we played video games. Even though I told myself, “this is going to make you fat,” I knew I was having so much fun in that moment and I didn’t care. It’s easy to forget that the best fun you can have has nothing to do with your weight or the calories you’ve eaten.

I really hope your friend gets well, mentally and physically. I don’t think it’ll be too hard with a friend like you with her. Going with her to her therapy was a wonderful thing for you to do. Thank you so much for writing!!

Love,

Dianna